Two-thirds of the earth’s surface is covered by water. The rest is knee-deep in bullshit. Where you find man and woman, you will find bullshit. It’s as essential to the survival of the race as food or beverage. Without bullshit, mankind would be forced to endure the consequences of honest communication. We simply cannot have that. To paraphrase an old axiom, “Oh what a tangled web we weave since Adam met his main squeeze, Eve.” When the Lord said “Don’t eat those apples”, Adam and Eve said, “Okay, we won’t.” Bullshit. When Moses went up the mountain and told his people, “I’ll be right back, don’t worship any golden calves or anything”, his peeps told him, “Oh no, Moses, not us, we’re the chosen people for God’s sake!” More bullshit. Even God himself gets into the act on occasion. When the Lord ordered Abraham to sacrifice his son as an act of obedience, no sooner had the old man pulled out his blade than God said, “Oh Abraham, I was only bullshitting you!” You simply cannot escape the flow of this stuff called bullshit. I personally think that it should be added to the Periodic Table of Elements. After all, with the exception of nitrogen and carbon, bullshit is the single most abundant component of the planet. As a matter of fact, if bullshit is left undisturbed in the earth, it eventually turns up as carbon. And to make the inclusion even easier, it’s symbol as an element has already been defined: Bs.
The history of modern man is a road paved with, you guessed it, bullshit. Just look at some of the quotes attributed to our statesmen. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, arguably one of our most insightful presidents said, “The torch has been passed to a new generation of bullshitters.” As if to confirm those words, William Jefferson Clinton, an admitted emulator of JFK, took it a step further with his avowal, “I did not have sex with that woman.” From Josef Stalin, “No seriously Adolf, I promise I won’t attack you from the East” to Richard Nixon “I am not a crook”, from George H.W. Bush, “Read my lips, no new taxes” to George W. Bush “Mission Accomplished”, our modern history has distinguished this as one of the eras most prolific in bullshit. Granted, the shit flies much faster in modern times. Where it once took months-long ocean voyages to bring bullshit to the New World (the Native Americans had a lot to learn about bullshit, and boy, did we teach them), we can now receive an instant message loaded with bullshit in mere seconds.
Bullshit is not confined to the famous either. While recorded history is one large fecal fable, the day-to-day lives of the never-famous produce enough bullshit to reach to the erstwhile planet of Pluto and back. “I’ll be back by ten, Honey, I promise.” “That was my sister who I was talking to on the phone.” “Oh, did you need help with the dishes?” On the surface, all possibly honest statements. Scratch that surface of any one of them with a fingernail and you will expose its creamy center: 100% pure, 24K bullshit.
As the presumably dominant species of the ecosystem, we have over the centuries developed languages, technology, systems, and devices to explore our world and uncover the truth. Where did we come from? What is the nature of life? What is the purpose of our existence? These are profound questions which mankind has pondered for as long as he has walked these plains and valleys. We spare neither expense nor risk to delve into the unknown and emerge as discoverers of reality, creeping that much closer to the godhead. At the same time we try to satisfy our burning curiosity about the cosmos, we also continue to uncover new ways to bullshit each other. It’s the nature of man.
Have you ever seen a squirrel with a phony ID? Have you ever seen a bear (other than Pooh) hide the honey jar behind his back when surprised? Have you ever seen a shark pretend he doesn’t smell blood in the water? Animals live in the reality of their environment, they rarely if ever suppose that their peers are stupid enough to fall for fakery. As human beings, we seem to delight in presuming that we are surrounded by idiots who can’t wait to swallow our tales hook, line and sinker. Here is my vision of the world: Six and one-half billion ostriches, each with his head in the sand, each thinking that none of the other ostriches can see his gigantic feathered ass pointing heavenward against the bright blue sky. Herein lies the ironic twist. No creature on earth is more capable than man of identifying bullshit, yet no other creature places such a high priority on disseminating the same. We are simply full of it.
In this time when man is desperate for new sources of fuel, just imagine if we could burn bullshit to supply our energy needs. The sun would expire before the last pile was mined. I would continue, but I am too depressed about the magnitude of the bullshit factor. Besides, I’m growing tired of reading my own bullshit. It’s time for all this bullshit to stop. With that, I urge you to ponder the omnipresence of bullshit in our lives. We are the only ones who can control its flow. And that’s no bullshit.
3 Responses to “You Wouldn’t Be Bullshitting Me, Would You?”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.